Yes, it's early and no, I don't want to talk about it. Although I probably will. Let's just say that my own inner demons took over my sane mind and I fled to escape them, rather than staying and dealing with them. That's why I went -- to slay these particular evil demons in a safe place with a trusted teacher!
There were extenuating circumstances, but they were just excuses, in the end. A redwood toppled because of heavy rains the day before I arrived, taking down some -- but thankfully not all -- power lines. There was power in the main building/kitchen, and in the meditation hall, but the dorms were dark and the water pump incapacitated. Think, no toilets for about 13 people! I jumped in to help my friend the following day, hauling water from the creek into big garbage cans by the bathrooms so people could flush that way. Drinking water was ordered/some picked up. We moved into the monk's quarters, which had partial electricity and lots of heaters, divvied it up into male/female sections, cleaned it, got it as comfy as possible. Cleaned out the meditation room, made it look nice, jury-rigged some heat in there. Can you believe only one power outlet in that huge big room? Lots of extension cords to power a couple of space heaters and the PA system. Others arrived during the afternoon, but I took my out-of-town retreat manager friend into Santa Rosa for some necessities at Costco and Target.
So when meditation began on Saturday morning all was well for awhile -- I'm used to coping with fairly rustic life at the hermitage in Jenner, after all -- but by late evening I was sitting in the hall freezing and miserable and unable to pay attention to meditation, decided to leave, told my friend who told the teacher. Things improved a bit -- I got a heater in my room, which really helped, and an electric throw to put over my sleeping bag. Into the meditation hall again at 4:30am, cold, sleepy, tired, and all that was in my mind was the idea that 'I cannot face this for the next two weeks". 'This' wasn't the cold -- there would be workers coming on Monday to fix the power and water, we could move back to the dorms, and the sun was supposed to shine and warm everything up. 'This' was those inner demons that kept me from meditating properly, and they dominated my thoughts. I packed and loaded the car, waited through breakfast to say goodbye to the teacher, who tried to change my mind. I almost listened, and wish I had. But in the end, I fled. So I've been home a week and am just now feeling almost normal. The demons are still there but I can distract myself from them. I have suggestions on how to get rid of them, but not the energy to sit and follow instructions.
In addition to that, it's been terribly tense here at home the past week, too. I'm about ready to give notice and find another place to live for a few more months. It's untenable as it is, certainly.
So that's been my week or two. Life is bound to get better! I've let go of trying to diet and/or stick to exercise routine for now. I know how to eat right, and I'm doing that without making sure I have enough or not too many calories every day. I've been too stressed and tired to add the stress of exercise to the mix, although I did go out for a half hour this morning, between rain showers. It feels good to be free of all that, even if it turns out to be temporary. I'm watching the scale and how I feel, and so far all is good. That's enough.
Hope for happier news next time we talk.
A work in progress
5 months ago