You really don't ever know when the last time you'll speak with a loved one is. Speak well.

I found out this morning that my dearest friend died February 2, and I found out by Googling his name since I hadn't heard from him since Feb. 1 and that's unusual. To say I was shocked to see an obit appear for him in the local paper is an understatement. I'm still shocked, and stunned. I don't know the cause of death, I don't know anything other than a date. We've known one another about exactly 16 years. I remember he called to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day a few days or week after our first 'date' at a coffee shop.

There were people -- his landlords and his sons -- who were supposed to let me know if this happened. Perhaps they will at some point, but not yet. I don't have a way to contact them, other than driving out and speaking to his landlords, which I won't do.

I last spoke to him around 3pm on Saturday the 1st. He'd planned once again to come visit that afternoon, but once again called to cancel because he wasn't feeling well. I'm so used to this that I think I didn't listen closely, though I'm pretty sure it had something to do with his blood pressure. He'd run out of the meds for that and had gotten more that morning and taken them, but he sounded pretty stressed out and they didn't seem to be working. I keep wondering if he said something I should have taken more seriously. I'd like to know what happened. Maybe someday, I will.

In the meantime, my Buddhist training and practice has helped me 'remain equanimous' and understand that death comes to all of us and is inevitable. I think the shock is also responsible for the equanimity. The reality has been hitting me all day as I realized just how often almost any thought would lead me to Adam. I'd think that I'd like to share this with him, or show him this, or talk to him about this, etc. And then I'd realize I couldn't do that any longer. It's a huge, deep, hole in my life that will be impossible to fill.

I offer this chant for Making Merit [good fortune] for the dead, from the Buddha's teachings. At least, according to the senior Buddhist Nun who offered it to me this evening, and she knows her stuff.

For Adam

Verses on the Simile of the Mountains

Like gigantic boulders,
Mountains reaching to the sky 
Moving in from all sides, 
Crushing all in the four directions—

So aging and death come 
Rolling over living beings— 
Noble warriors, priests, merchants, 
Workers, outcasts, and scavengers. 
They spare nothing; 
They crush everything.

Here elephants can hold no ground, 
Nor can chariots or infantry. 
One can’t defeat them by a battle of spells 
Or buy them off by means of wealth.

So a wise person, 
Seeing his own good, 
Secures firm conviction
In the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha.

He who practices the Dhamma
In thought, word, and deed, 
Receives praise here on earth 
And after death rejoices in heaven.